Coming Out: How to Feel and Show Support During a Time of Vulnerability

Posted June 30, 2025

The decision to come out is a deeply personal one — one in which the advice and expertise of trained and compassionate professionals may be of value.

That’s why Summa Health recently sat down with medical professionals from its Pride Clinic to discuss tips on how to come out and tell your friends and family who you really are. On the flip side, there are ways friends and family can show support when their loved ones come out and share this personal journey with them. 

Scott Hamler, MD, a physician with special interests in LGBTQ+ care and urgent care, shares his personal journey of coming out, and along with Pam Carlson, RN, answers your questions and shares ways the Pride Clinic is here to support you throughout this journey. Because while for some people it’s a sprint, for many others it’s likely a marathon. 

For anyone considering coming out, what tips can you offer? What should they know?

Pam: The first thing is that there isn’t a right or wrong way to come out for yourself. I think there’s a lot of focus on National Coming Out Day. And for some people, that timing may not be right, but I think there’s a whole lot of pressure to do it then. 

There may be issues of safety. Not everyone is in a position in their residence, job or support circle that they can easily share who they really are. So, I think in terms of coming out, it’s a very, very personal experience. I don’t think people need to be limited by expectations of things they may have seen or heard in the media. This is an intensely personal decision.

How does patience play into this decision?

Dr. Hamler: There’s no question, as Pam suggested, that this is a very personal journey, and it’s going to happen on a different timeline for each individual. 

It’s important to be patient with yourself. First and foremost, you have to wrap your head and heart around this next step and get to a certain comfort level with yourself before taking that first step and putting yourself out there. 

I think a lot of people have a fear of rejection. And as Pam suggested, sometimes that rejection is accompanied by safety concerns or housing or financial issues. So, yeah, certainly be patient with yourself to ensure the timing is right. 

And then, if it’s taken you a while to get to this point, understand it’s going to take others around you a while to get here, too. So, you really need to be patient with the folks around you, as well, as far as them coming to understand your true self.

Pam: And I think this can be difficult because when you’ve been waiting and waiting so long to be able to say, “Hey, this is truly who I am,” and then once that door opens, so to speak, you’re ready to just rush headlong into this new journey of yours. You feel like, I’ve waited so long and I’m ready. Now is the time. 

But as Dr. Hamler said, it’s important to be patient with other people, too. It’s going to take them a little bit of time to understand. My thought is, don’t take someone else’s silence or hesitancy as a rejection, but instead, it may just be they need to take some time, take a breath to figure out the whirlwind that just hit them.

Where’s a good place to start?

Dr. Hamler: Start with sharing this information with those who you believe will be accepting and supportive. Trust your instincts as far as coming out, and go to those people first because if you have positive feedback, it just makes it easier. And certainly, the more often you do it, the more comfortable it becomes. 

If you hit bumps in the road along the way, make sure you have a support system in place. There are support groups and organizations, such as PFLAG and Margie’s Hope, that can help.

I also want to piggyback on one of Pam’s comments. Give those around you some time to cope, especially when it comes to a parent-child relationship. When a child is coming out, in all likelihood, that parent had some idea as to what they thought their child was going to be when they grew up. So, there actually may be a grieving process for parents. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just the reality of it. 

So, thankfully, there are several support groups available for both the person coming out and loved ones they’re coming out to. 

How can family and friends show support when a loved one comes out?

Pam: One of the biggest things you can do is to start by just listening. When this information hits you, sometimes it can be stunning — and I mean sometimes to the point of silence, which in this instance is not a bad thing. 

Be willing to listen more than you speak to somebody who’s sharing this information with you. And remember this is hard stuff that this person is doing, and no matter what you’re feeling, the recognition that this person is sharing their deepest core self with you is a matter of trust. So, even though it’s difficult, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. 

It's OK to ask questions, and even if you don’t know what to say, you can extend a hand to somebody. You can give them a hug. You can say a simple, “I love you,” or “I believe in you.” Sometimes, that’s the most important thing you can do if you can’t think of anything else to say.

You’re not making promises that you're going to be happy and that everything’s going to be flowers and rainbows right off the bat. But you are saying, I believe in our relationship enough to know we’re going to get through this. 

The key is to listen and reassure that person that even if you don’t understand it, you love them enough to walk through it all with them. 

Can you share your journey and what it was like for you, Dr. Hamler?

Dr. Hamler: Sure, it was certainly a mixed bag. I’m of a certain age where coming out as a gay man in the ‘90s, the HIV/AIDS epidemic was very much at the forefront of people’s minds. So when I came out to my parents, it was not well-received, to put it mildly. 

I was in medical school at the time. My parents thought it best that I drop out and get into counseling because they felt it would ‘solve my problem’ of homosexuality. And clearly, we know that not to be true. But it was the fear that, if you’re gay, you’re going to get HIV and AIDS and potentially die. There was a lot of misinformation about the gay lifestyle.

There was even talk of cutting me off financially. My parents said if they thought that was going to change me, they’d do that. But ultimately, it got to the point of love and support. Fast forward 25 years, I’m now married and have two kids, and they’re very supportive of my marriage and their grandchildren.

So, it just takes time. That was probably the most negative experience I had. Certainly amongst friend groups and other family members, it was well received and supported.

Anything more to add?

Pam: I think the first thing is to recognize your decision as a win. This is a huge win to be able to acknowledge who you are and to be able to love yourself for who you are. Hold on to that during this journey.  

Part of what we do here at the Pride Clinic is help people who are just starting on this journey and are just making these decisions. And for anybody who’s considering this, but isn’t sure it’s the right path forward, you can pick up the phone and call us. We’re a resource. We’re here to talk. 

You can meet with Dr. Hamler or one of our doctors. We do nurse visits, or you can talk with our social worker. We will have your back on this. This is a support place that will prop you up when things are tough and celebrate you when things are really good. 

Dr. Hamler: As Pam suggested, this is an exciting time for a lot of people, and it’s important to focus on the positive. It’s certainly easy to get bogged down in the negative — and not just with the coming out process, but with life in general. That’s just how things work, but do your best to keep your head up and keep moving in a forward direction. 

That’s always been one of my goals at the Pride Clinic. Yes, I’m managing the medical piece, but there are a lot of other aspects to a person. My goal has always been to network within the community to find other resources available for patients, as far as housing, nutrition, safety or financial needs, and get patients these services that they so desperately need. 

Being aware that you’re not going through this alone and that resources are available to help can offer some sort of security when navigating this journey. 

About Summa Health Pride Clinic

When it comes to healthcare, LGBTQ+ patients face many barriers, including concerns about confidentiality, fear of discrimination and negative attitudes toward treatment. 

That’s why Summa Health opened its Pride Clinic in 2019 to help close these gaps in health disparities and address the community’s unique health needs. The clinic offers high-quality, compassionate care for all patients regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, so they can achieve the highest level of health possible. 

Summa Health Pride Clinic offers the following services:

• Gynecology
• Adult Hormone Replacement Therapy
• Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PREP)
• Primary Care
• Psychology and Social Work
• Adult Transgender Care
• Urology 

To learn more or to schedule an appointment with Summa Health’s Pride Clinic, call 234.867.7740.

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